welcome to the freakout zone

So, you’re trying to have  a baby… and trying… and trying …and trying…

It’s about the most frustrating, confusing, humiliating, lonely, and repeatedly heartbreaking thing in the world when your body defies this simplest of tasks;   but what advice do people have for you?  “Stay calm!”   “Be positive!”   “Just relaaaaax.”  And the best of all:   “STOP TRYING!  It won’t happen until you stop trying so hard!”   Then they give you a helpful anecdote about their friend who only had to take a nice vacation and she came back knocked up with twins.   She got the Bahamas and twins!  Why don’t you try that?

Don’t you just want to punch those people in the face?

But you don’t because they are your mothers, and best friends, and partners.    You know they mean well,  and so you smile and say “Yes, thank you, I will try relaxing.  I hadn’t thought of that one before.”   And then you go somewhere and have a private freakout.  You cry into your pillow or in the shower.  You beg your body to do what it’s designed to do,  you beg the heavens for a “miracle”,  all the while shaming yourself for being such a broken down crybaby while everybody thinks you need to be relaxed and patient and planning a vacation.   Worst of all you feel alone.   The people closest to you, even your beloved soulmate who is going through it with you, don’t seem to get how f*ing hard this is.    They look at you like you’re crazy often enough that you start to feel that way.    In the isolation you become depressed, but you keep it to yourself because you’re ashamed of the jealousy and anger that tag along with this particular  brand of depression.  You keep it to yourself because you don’t think you have the right to be depressed.  You have a blessed life, you are healthy and loved, and isn’t it selfish to be so hellbent on personally adding to the over-population of the planet?

Of all the cliches that people throw at you, there’s one you haven’t heard yet:   You are not alone.   There are lots of us, and guess what?   We are all freaking out.   And you know what else?  It’s okay.   The weird thing would be if you didn’t freak out.   Before you can relax and be positive and let go of the fear, you need to understand that your feelings are valid even if nobody in your immediate circle understands them.   They can’t.  It’s not their fault,  but more importantly it’s not yours either.

I plan to share my story here and hopefully just the ability to read along with someone else’s hopes and freakouts will alleviate some of the loneliness for all of us.

Cheers and welcome to my new blog!



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Devorah
    Jul 06, 2011 @ 14:51:02

    Hi there.
    I work as a Therapeutic Reflexologist and specialise in infertility treatment. My focus is really helping and supporting my patients emotionally, physically and spiritually. I would love to share my website with you, which I feel will be a support for you in this difficult time. http://www.fertility101.co.za. As you can see, it’s called fertility101, not INfertility. I really hope that you will be able to benefit from the tools, advice and free downloads there. I would love to hear from you. My facebook fan page is fertility101 – http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fertility-101/138860049519567
    Take care


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