calm before the storm?

There’s a peace that settles in around Cycle Day 5 or 6.   Hormones have calmed down,  the bleeding and aching has stopped,  and I’m probably done mourning that negative pregnancy test result I got last week.

Today it doesn’t bother me that I’m not a mother yet.  Today there are so many other things I love and appreciate that thoughts of babies and motherhood and the function of my middle-parts  don’t cross my mind much at all.  This is a peaceful time when I can have a gas pain without hysterically Googling what it might mean.   I am calm,  and collected, and clear-headed.  I can think easily about other things without feeling in any way empty or haunted by something that has yet to be created.

Or if nothing else, I’m a little better for a while at bullshitting myself with crap like what I just wrote.   Who am I kiddin’?   This still sucks.  It’s Sunday afternoon which means not much is going on, which means I have time to think, which means I am obsessing over baby crap.  I need a good book to fill my head with.  And ice cream.   A LOT of ice cream.




3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Diane French
    Jul 17, 2011 @ 17:45:03

    I completely understand! My husband and I are in discussions of whether to start trying again or not. We TTC for 2 years (2006-08) then saw a fertility specialist. They never found anything wrong with either one of of – the most dreaded words “unexplained infertility”- GREAT! After going through the great depression I somehow convinced myself that I didn’t want a baby anyway. Who the hell do I think I was kidding? I never want to feel that vulnerable again. So here I sit surfing the web, trying to decide what to do. I found your blog via a FB page. Not sure I will ever be ready to “try” again. Good luck to you!


  2. Becky
    Jul 17, 2011 @ 22:01:06

    It IS National Ice Cream Day, after all. You are appropriately celebrating the holiday. 🙂


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