exam room makeover

We are already taking a break after our first IUI cycle last month.   Seems they weren’t happy with Husband’s swimmer count on game day (which may be our fault since we had sex the night before), so this month he gets to be the star of the show!  He has to have blood sucked out of his veins,  be poked and prodded, get drugged to tears,  and have a camera stuck up his happyhole.   Oh wait… no, that’s me.  He just has to have an orgasm.  Poor guy.

As eager as I was to get the show on the road I thought it would freak me out to have to pause so soon,  even for one cycle, but I’m relieved in a way.   I am sick to death of not being pregnant,  but I’m also sick to death of that effing exam room.  For one thing,  it’s really cold in there… all the time.   You’d think they would do something about that.  You want me to strip for you?  Get a fireplace up in here!

Whenever I have to spend time in a room I don’t like the looks of,  I redecorate it in my mind.   Certainly any room I have to spend time in without pants on needs to be cozied up a little.   I mean, when I try to get pregnant at home I don’t want harsh fluorescent lighting with the AC blasting directly up my ass.   Maybe they should have themed exam rooms the way they have themed honeymoon suites.  “Good morning Mrs. G… would you care for the Safari Suite this morning?  Or perhaps the Grecian Getaway?  Excellent choice, now please take off your pants.”  Or they could be like themed weddings in Vegas, with the doctor dressed like Elvis or Cleopatra.   Maybe some colorful lighting… Ooh!  And they could do some magic tricks to entertain you while they’re down there behind that paper sheet!   They should at the very least let you pick out the music.  Nobody should ever be forced to listen to Celine Dion when they are in such a vulnerable position.  Remember when you were a kid and the doctor would give you a sucker after you got a shot?  Yeah, the grown-up version is that they need to buy us a drink after every exam or procedure.  The waiting room should be an actual lounge with a bar in it.  Hell, with all the talk of  “Just relax” and “Don’t be stressed”  they should be prescribing cocktails before your procedure.  Like an anesthetic,  with a cherry in it.

We are going to start up again next month of course,  but I think I should call up one of those home makeover shows and get them in there before my next visit.


11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sunny
    Jul 19, 2011 @ 02:03:48

    So friggin spot on there sister!! I think if you have to be naked from the waist down, in front of a bunch of almost-complete-strangers, as often as we are per month, we should be allowed a pretty doona for the exam table, some soft lighting and an overhead DVD like those ones you put on the back of the front seats of your SUV to keep your toddler entertained on long trips. SHIT, I’d settle for a leopard print SNUGGIE!!


  2. m.g.
    Jul 19, 2011 @ 07:15:11

    Haha! Exam room snuggies! perfect!
    And I like the DVD idea too. Even the dentist’s office has those~ and they’re only poking around in your mouth!


  3. Carole
    Jul 19, 2011 @ 23:06:23

    my dr actually has dim lighting in his office which i appreciate so much 🙂 but i would like to see some mood lighting you know those lilac/white lights… i was just talking to hubby and i was telling him when i go for my procedure i’m taking my blanky with me, i don’t care who says what! at least i’m not taking my teddy bear 🙂


  4. JDragonfly
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 16:00:46

    Hi, M.G. Just found your blog today, and devoured every post! Thanks for such a witty, humorous take on all this IF business. There were so many comments throughout with which I COMPLETELY relate. (It’s actually uncanny… I just underwent my first IUI and I think we’re even on the same cycle day!) Have added you to my reader, and will be looking for your next post. Keep up the good work!


    • m.g.
      Jul 20, 2011 @ 16:57:11

      🙂 Thank you so much for the support. I am glad to have found this community where we can all support each other. It’s such a relief knowing there are people who know what the hell I’m freaking out about !
      And what’s this? You bleed when the moon is full too? Good times…. 😉


  5. Sarah
    Jul 21, 2011 @ 00:58:01

    I must add: During the years I saw my doctors, they were always amused at my choice of entertainment while waiting (for them, in between procedures, during the 15-minute ‘legs up’ in the early iui days)…I brought my gameboy and played all sorts of crazy stuff. I think they were used to women meditating on their uterus and some such, not filling the room with beeps and binks and music.
    I think they could be the best clinic in Seattle though, if they’d just offer foot massages while waiting.


  6. shinejil
    Jul 22, 2011 @ 10:57:44

    I’ve been tempted to do a short study on waiting room and exam room art. It’s a whole genre in and of itself. No Mondrian or Klee; it’s all botanicals and Impressionists and shtuff.

    And they need a wet bar in every room.

    Taking a break is good, sometimes. I hope it gives you a chance to recoup and regroup.


  7. m.g.
    Jul 22, 2011 @ 19:24:14

    That’s exactly right! The painting in my most frequent exam room is an impressionist take on a european villa of some sort.. All that stuff is like the muzak of the art world… which I guess makes sense considering the other wall art it graphic dissections of female body parts. Maybe they could combine those two aesthetics and have pastel impressionist paintings of uterine malfunctions?


  8. Vicki
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 07:37:55

    Nice to know my thoughts are universal 🙂


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