I’m ovulating right now.  I didn’t take a test or anything since we’re not doing anything “official” this month,  I just know.  It’s hard to believe there was ever a time when it was a mystery with all the bells and alarms that go off in my body these days.  It’s like that portal to alternate universes that opens in Stargate– kinda hard to miss.  For one thing I get obnoxiously horny.  I’m already going through the whole late 30’s “sexual peak” deal,  and adding ovulation to that is like throwing a molotov cocktail at a burning bush.  Talk about a hot mess.  I may be the exception to that rule that men are supposed to think about and want sex more than women.

Unfortunately I think about sex a lot more lately because we seem to have it a lot less.   Sex has become decidedly unsexy and I’m sure the baby chase is at least partly to blame.   Last year Husband was unemployed so naturally he was stressed out about that, which affected his drive… and probably (though not admittedly) his interest in adding a member to the household.  He always seemed to “not feel good” on the days when I needed to make him feel good.  The man version of “Not tonight, Dear, I’ve got a headache.”   Well about five months ago he landed a big new job that he had been wanting for a long time.  Problem solved, right?  Well now he’s stressed out because he has the job and is anxious and stressed about keeping it and keeping up with the fast pace of his company.   Now he keeps himself up all night thinking about meetings and presentations that are happening the next day,  so he’s got no energy left for playtime.   I give him plenty of massages to relax him and try to shift his focus from work stress to physical contact with his wifey,  but it just puts him to sleep.

Lately, when the Stargate opens and all my green lights are flashing for 3 days out of the month, we generally do make a point of having sex… but it can be with about as much excitement as when you “make a point” of washing the dishes before you go to bed:  “Alright, alright, I’ll do it.”

Don’t get me wrong,  Husband and I are crazy in love and super affectionate.  We’re the kind of affectionate that makes other people sick.  Love notes and flowers and snuggles and hand holding and “I love YOU more!” ” No… I love YOU more!”   We’re gross.  People who know us would be shocked and confused to know that our main “problem” is in the bedroom.  (“You’re trying to get pregnant?  Good for you! That’s the fun part!”)  But sex, which was once passionate, raunchy, sweaty lovemaking,  has become something like an awkward science fair project.    Bottom line:  it’s over quickly like a chore you want to rush through, so of course I don’t have orgasms anymore  (Not til after he falls asleep anyway).   Also I have to ask for it which makes it feel like he doesn’t want me, he’s just doing me a favor- like working on the car.   Or I have to remind him that “it’s time” and so we “have to”.   Oof.

We have talked about it,  we have cried about it,  and we are working on it.  I have suggested that we try to make a whole date night out of it.  I have suggested we take dance classes together to work on being in sync and to have something else to think about.  Men love dance classes, right?  I have made  suggestions,  but I have also tried to imagine what all this crap must sound and feel like from his perspective.   I think so much about how nobody understands what it’s like for poor little infertile me that I rarely think about what all this must do to a man’s ego.   “You are not pleasing me.  I am not getting what I want from you sexually.  Work harder!  I need you to think only about me, and also transform yourself into a 20 year old porn star on command.   And get me pregnant already dammit!  Or how ’bout we spend our entire savings to let somebody else get me pregnant since you can’t?  Also, and this is key:  Understand how I feel before I tell you!   I’m going to go sob in the bathroom for a while until you figure me out. When I come out with puffy red eyes and snot on my face telling you about the texture of my vaginal discharge,  tell me how hot I am.  Make it quick though, you’re late for work.”

That’s a lot of big ugly pressure for a guy who’s already stressed out.   Big ugly pressure is not sexy.   Neither are exam rooms, sperm counts,  or talk of things like EWCM.   I don’t care how open minded  they think they are,  the words “eggwhite cervical mucous” will never get your partner hot.   I have stopped giving him all the gory details about what my body is doing and why.   I have tried to make myself sound less like a science project and more like a hot chick he wants to bang.   I’ve started playing dress up and wearing heels in the house.  I’m not sure why that last part is effective, because I cannot walk in heels.  I walk like a drunk 80-year-old man when I wear heels,  but it works for him more than talk of stretchy mucous and pee-sticks.

I am trying to learn to tone down the desperate need to milk sperm from him and put more focus on the desire part of the deal.  I may need to tone down the desire part a little bit too, though.   Ever seen a female cat in heat?  How they roll around yowling and rubbing their butt on everything?  How they are so desperate to be touched that it actually makes you a little scared to touch them?  Yeah, that’s me for the next three days.

Oh, and as of last night~ Husband “doesn’t feel well.”



5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. melissa
    Jul 23, 2011 @ 10:49:55

    I love how brutally honest you are…it often puts things I’ve thought into words I couldn’t express!


  2. Jennifer
    Jul 23, 2011 @ 19:18:29

    You have just described my life the last year and a half… Every last detail. Even the heels. I look forward to every new blog you put out (pun not intended). We have been TTC for the last 2 years and yes- uterine polyps, low sperm counts, pee sticks on the bathroom sink next to toothbrushes, and “having” to do it are so not sexy. Crying isnt either. Good luck this month- you are sort of on my cycle (I should be ovulating the next couple of days) so its nice that you are going through exactly what I am this past month since I discovered this blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting it all into words!


  3. Selbe
    Jul 23, 2011 @ 21:48:08

    I can understand. Before TTC my husband was always asking for it. Now it’s the opposite. I feel like I’m dragging him into the bedroom that one week out of the month. And it’s getting old for both of us.


  4. Amanda
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 09:04:46

    Great post! It’s funny because my sex drive is how I determine ovulation as well. Not EWCM, cervical position or temp. Sex drive. It’s crazy how much it’s affected.

    Thanks for being so honest. It’s refreshing to read something like this because I know a lot of us can identify (unfortunately)…


  5. Trackback: numb~ « fertility freak

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