the empty bump

Reason #3,142 that I can’t wait to be pregnant:   No more sit-ups.

I have been developing a belly over the past couple years which would be adorable if I were 3 or 4 months pregnant.  Instead I just look newly pregnant… which causes all kinds of problems.   When I gain weight it all sits disproportionately at the front of my stomach, meaning nothing fits me right anymore, and worse: everybody wants to be excited for me that “it finally happened!”   Last spring I ran into a friend from out of town who hadn’t seen me in the couple years that I have lived in Texas.  One of the first things out of her mouth was “Oh!  How far along are you?”   Hisssssssssss.   I wish I could say that has only happened once.   Apparently the memo hasn’t reached everyone that you NEVER, EVER, EVER ASK A WOMAN IF SHE IS PREGNANT.   EVER.  Asking a woman if she is pregnant is exactly the same as saying “Wow! I can’t help but be distracted by your protruding gut-bubble.  Something’s alive in there, right?”

Several years ago I had pretty massive fibroids which of course made my middle swell up.  During that time I was constantly being congratulated by strangers for the bundle of joy I was carrying.   A common reply:  “Actually I’m not pregnant.  These are potentially malignant tumors which may prevent me from ever becoming pregnant  though, so you were close!  Thanks for pointing it out.”    I really did look pregnant at the time,  and the constant dull ache they caused made me rub my belly a lot -the way pregnant gals do.  The fibroids have been gone since March of 2008,  but the poochy tummy and accompanying bellyrub have remained obnoxiously in tact.  I thought I was going to wake up from that surgery 3 sizes smaller.  I still have the tummy puff, only now it’s got a big scar under it.  Like an underline for emphasis… “Look at this thing!”

I diet of course,  but it’s not as easy to lose weight as it was ten years ago in my twenties.  Also I live in Texas now, and everything here is deep-fried and/or covered in cheese.  But the inability to successfully diet is something else I blame on trying to conceive.   First of all there’s all the comfort feeding that happens.  I get sad,  I feel “empty”,  and there’s one surefire way to get something in your belly other than being knocked up:  eat a cheeseburger!   And then once I’m past ovulation I don’t want to diet because I fear I might be depriving myself or my possible zygote of some important nutrient that just might make the difference this time.  I tell myself  “If I’m craving it, then I must need it!”  Pretty good excuse for a second helping of lasagna, eh?    Also I used to go bike riding a lot,  then one day last year I fell off my bike and busted a big ovarian cyst I didn’t know I had.   I bled and hurt for days.  Scared the crap out of me, and became an excuse not to exercise “too much”  (when it should have just been an excuse not to try flying and biking at the same time).   I do sit-ups occasionally,  but then there’s the part of the month when I think “I wouldn’t do crunches if I was pregnant, would I?  What if I am pregnant right now?  What kind of mother am I, doing crunches in my delicate state?  How selfish!  I should be eating ice cream!”   Oh and by the way who are the sadistic assholes (or angels) who let me find out that  eating ice cream is good for fertility ?!   So much for low fat yogurt.

When this kid finally arrives, I get to blame him for everything…. including my big ice cream fed booty.   In the meantime,  I just wish I could hurry up and BE as pregnant as everybody seems to think I am.

 

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. IfByYes
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 16:31:09

    A friend of mine has fibroids, with the same result. I can’t imagine how much that must suck. I want to eat chocolate just thinking about it.

    I have the sticky-outy pregnant belly, always have, but it’s just a complete lack of abdominal muscle tone…

    Reply

  2. Jenney
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 19:28:47

    I have been following your blog for a few weeks now, and I am so glad to have found it! I have read many other IF blogs, but none of them capture exactly how I feel moment-to-moment in the way that you are able to. Thank you so much for validating my miserable, depressing, frustrating experience (I mean that in a good way!). There are very few things that I find funny about IF, but reading your blog always makes me smile and laugh, as I recognize myself so much in your words.

    Oh, and the faux-pregnant belly is currently #1 on my list of reasons I hate IF. Looking pregnant without actually being pregnant is a terribly cruel joke. I have been eating the preconception diet (ie: lots of full-fat, plenty-o-calories deliciousness) for several years now and it has done nothing but make me fat. I’m thinking of switching back to low-fat dairy…someday.

    Reply

  3. Amanda
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 08:24:30

    I can completely identify with this!! When I first started seeing my RE, I was told to gain weight…which I had absolutely no problem doing. He told me to gain 10-15, I gained 25lbs!! Oops. And yes, I have a bit of a belly that looks just like the 8w belly shots that I see on blogs. And I’m not going to lie, sometimes I look in the mirror at my side profile and pretend I’m pregnant…lol.

    Ice cream is good for fertility?!?! You bitch.

    Reply

    • m.g.
      Jul 27, 2011 @ 09:25:14

      Haha! Sorry Amanda. Did you click the evil link? See, it’s not just on gossip tabloid sites, it’s in medical journals. Dammit.
      And yeah, I pretend in the mirror sometimes too. Or to freak Husband out : “Honey? There’s something I’ve been needing to tell you…”

      Reply

  4. Amy Scott
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 13:14:04

    I can relate to nearly everything you’ve described (I haven’t ever had fibroids but the rest really hits home with me). I thought acquiring that little belly was a major failure on my part but I am starting to realize that this is just what happens when you go through fertility treatments and all the emotional work that comes with them. Thank you so much for sharing this – your blog is wonderful!

    Reply

  5. Carole
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 22:25:03

    another sure hit 🙂 i keep checking your blog for updates… so it happens i live in TX too so stay COOL!

    Reply

  6. m.g.
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 07:00:41

    Thanks Carole~ this is a brutal summer!

    Reply

  7. Jennifer Langford Filler
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 19:42:21

    i thought it was just me!! The 20 pounds I have gained in the last 2 years… grrr!! and why is it right there on the belly? I have actually weighed 20 pounds more than I do now, and my fat clothes still dont fit right over by big boobs and belly… Did NOT know about the ice cream thing- I had cut out ice cream a few years ago while losing weight. OBVIOUSLY this is why I am not conceiving… I will be taking a trip to the store tomorrow!!

    Reply

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