a midsummer daydream

Last night I had a dream about a little boy.  I don’t remember the rest of the dream anymore or what context it was in, but there was a little boy about two years old who was either trying to get my attention or trying to catch up to me.  Throughout the dream I would occasionally feel a tug at the back of my pants and it would be him, smiling up at me.   A couple times I actually tripped over him, but he stayed smiley and persistent and waited for me to pick him up.  I woke up with an anxious flutter in my heart like I do every time I see a stray child in my sleeping brain.   It goes from anxious flutter to heartbreaking disappointment in the amount of time it takes to pick your eye boogers.

I’m pretty sure I have a dream about having a kid this time every month,  starting a day or two after ovulation.   And every month I think it’s a sign.   This is around the time that I start thinking every damn thing is a sign or a symptom.   If I see a blue jay first thing in the morning,  that’s a sign.  If I have a craving for something new,  that’s a sign.   If the cat lays on my stomach instead of my chest, I start picking out a theme for the nursery.  So of course every dream I have gets picked apart for “clues” as to where my long lost child might be.

It’s usually a little boy I dream about, so naturally I have already decided on a boy’s name.  My mother, though, has already decided I’m going to have a girl because of dreams that she has had.  Sometimes when I call her she asks me if her granddaughter is on the way yet.  I hate when she asks, because I hate having to tell her no.  I’ve had “the talk” with her, and she has mostly broken the habit of asking every time we speak because she knows it hurts my feelings,   but the poor thing is having dreams too.

The dreams are a cruel tease.   It’s like “Here’s an adorable, somehow familiar image to go along with that impossibly endless longing of yours.  Beautiful, isn’t he?  Got it locked into your mind?  Good.  Now WAKE UP!”

But I guess with the amount of obsessing I do it’s surprising that I don’t have pregnancy or baby dreams every night.  They are just dreams.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I suddenly need to go take a nap.

Goodnight.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sabrina
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 18:01:42

    It is bittersweet when you dream about your future children. But I miss the days when I used to dream and even be able to picture myself with a baby. Now the only dreams I have are crazy anxiety filled ones where I am in a doctor’s office alone and everyone (including my husband) has left, or where I am talking to my husband’s (dead) great aunt about living childfree…

    Reply

  2. Carole
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 22:29:03

    the more annoying thing is when you have a dream and everybody else interprets it as a sign that there’s a baby on the way. If i dream of my nephew my sister says it means i will have a kid…i wish dreams would come true just by wishing

    Reply

  3. Amanda
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 13:17:03

    I love dreams like this…but you’re right, waking up is the hard part. I think it’s a good sign that you’re dreaming of your little boy. It shows hope when you can dream like that. Enjoy your nap 🙂

    Reply

  4. Jennifer Langford Filler
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 20:01:16

    Infertility is so like grief when someone dies just kind of an inverse… I used to dream my mother was alive all the time after she died… some times comforting and wonderful, some times disturbing, mostly both. I still do now, but only occasionally… I have the same reaction you do with the flutter, etc. I make that comparison in my mind a lot between death and infertility, with the 7 stages of grief. But the difference is my infertility grief is monthly. You are right the dreams are just a tease…

    Reply

    • m.g.
      Jul 28, 2011 @ 20:19:39

      that is a perfect analogy, Jennifer. I have tried to explain to my husband that I’m not just “bummed out” when I get my period, I am actually *grieving*…
      he blinks at me sweetly like he does when he thinks I’m crazy and I know he doesn’t get it…

      Reply

  5. CK
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 01:05:20

    Has anyone ever experienced a vision of what you believe is your future child while you were awake? I was on the phone the other day, not even tired when I closed my eyes for all of 2 seconds an I saw this little girl I’ve only seen in actual dreams maybe 3 times ever. I really don’t know what to make of this.

    Reply

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