note to self

Dear Future Me (approximately 28 days from now),

Hi there, M.G.  This is your former self.   It’s the second half of the two week wait right now and you’re probably freaking out and getting yourself all worked up over what you think are “new symptoms”, so I’m here with a reality check to remind you of a few things.  You’re a smart lady and all, but you seem to have very short term memory about how your body works.

First of all,   you know how your boobs are hurting you right now?  Yeah well that has been happening to you every single month for the dozens of years that you have been getting your period.  That’s what they do.  They hurt sometimes.   They get heavy and you want to have them removed.   They look fantastic but if Husband tried to touch them you bark like a Doberman.  This is not new and it doesn’t mean anything exciting, okay?   It means you are female.   Now quit inspecting your nipples,  it’s weirding out the cat.

Next:   The Dreams.   Every month around this time you start having dreams that you are pregnant, giving birth, or looking at a child you assume is yours.   You really want to believe that those dreams “mean something”, right?   Well,  remember that you also have dreams that there is a UFO on top of the house with a nightclub in it.   Then there’s the dream that you’re secretly the president of the continent but nobody can know.  Sometimes you dream that Husband is a gorilla, and there are alligators in the bathtub.   Do all of those dreams mean something important too?  Maybe.  All you know for sure is that they are dreams.   Wake up.

Oh, and you’re going to get really excited one morning because you will be unusually nauseous for half the day.   Know what that is?   You took your pre-natal vitamin on an empty stomach again.  That makes you sick every time.   Eat a banana and get over yourself.   Who else gets excited about wanting to throw up anyway?

Also, the thing where you’re crying a lot and you just bit Husband’s head off for looking at you funny?  You do that every month, too.  Seriously.  Ask him.  He will be scared to answer you, which is all the answer you need.

Finally, there is something very important you need to know about yourself:   You have gas.   You know those little twitches and pulls you feel?  You know how they happen at the same time that your belly puffs up a little?   You know how sometimes you even feel a magical little hint of movement in your lower abdomen?  That is not your child, that is a fart.  You’re a big fan of Tex-Mex this time of the month so it’s gonna happen.

Now I’m not telling you that there is no way you’re pregnant right now,  Future Me.   God knows I hope you are.  I’m just saying that there is still a week or more until the end of your cycle and there is no way for you to know yet.  So calm down and try to get some sleep okay?  Lying awake at night feeling yourself up is only sexy if Husband is involved.   You’re not a doctor, or a psychic.  You’re an impatient lady with sore boobs and a little gas.

You’re going to get there,  Future Me.  Maybe you’ll get there sooner than either of us realizes.  Maybe you are there!  But you’re not going to get there by making yourself crazy imagining that this is the first time you’ve had skin problems or cravings the week before you bleed.   So stop Googling yourself to death and try waiting to see if you’re late.   Are you late Future Me?  God,  I hope you are.  Can you write back and let me know?  Maybe check with Future Future Me and see if she know anything?    Hey,  I should Google “talking to myself 9DPO” and see what comes up!  Okay, maybe not…

Good luck,  Future Me… you’re going to be a great mama soon.

M.G.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jenney
    Aug 04, 2011 @ 10:57:44

    I just a very similar (but not nearly as hilarious) conversation with myself recently. Thank you for always putting a smile on my face just when I need it most.

    Reply

  2. Amanda
    Aug 05, 2011 @ 09:51:43

    I wrote a post exactly like this not too long ago. I listed off all the ‘symptoms’ I was feeling, and would continue to feel in TWWs so I could go back and remember that they were all BFNs. It’s amazing how quickly we forget and think ‘this is different’…I think we’re just hypersensitive to our bodies right now. Most people probably wouldn’t feel a thing!

    But still, with that said…I hope you are proved wrong this time 🙂

    Reply

  3. Amy
    Aug 05, 2011 @ 19:28:00

    Hilarious and touching…I have a feeling I will be re-reading this many times.

    Reply

  4. Trackback: re: note to self « fertility freak

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