re: note to self

Dear Former Self,

Got your message today, and you know, I wish I could have gotten that message a long time ago.  I have wasted so much energy getting myself psyched up over things like acne and cramps, only to have my heart broken a week later when it turns out they were just acne and cramps.  It was happening all over again, wasn’t it,  when you wrote  that letter  to me?  You were starting to feel like crap and so you wanted to make sure my hopes stayed down.  You wanted me to finally be able to acknowledge that sometimes people just feel like crap, particularly when their period is coming.  You wanted to protect me from a little of the monthly disappointment by telling me to be disappointed in advance,  so it wasn’t a shock.   It worked,  Former Self,  and I thank you for that bit of relief.

You knocked some sense into me, finally,  and I was able to breeze through the hot flashes at night,  the sore throat, and the spaciness without even imagining that any of it meant anything.  I was able to just enjoy myself this past weekend without obsessing over every creak and groan my body made.  Well, I mostly enjoyed myself… except for the crazy migraines I was getting.  But you know what?  I never Googled “migraines” in relation to pregnancy symptoms,  not once.   I was smart enough this time to know it must have had something to do with the intense heat and air pressure,  so I ignored it.   Even when the pain in my head and neck were so intense that I considered going to see a doctor,  I wasn’t phased.  In the past,  anything I had to see a doctor for made me think I was surely pregnant… but not this time.  Finally I could just have a headache,  and even a weird pain in my neck and back without assuming anything miraculous was happening in my body.   And that fatigue?  I knew that that, too,   was due to the 108 degrees outside just wiping me out.

So I thank you for all that peace of mind you passed on, Former Self.   It helped.  And it made the fact that I am actually pregnant right now a massive f#*!ing surprise.

I wish there was a way that I could send this message to you,  Past Me.  You need so badly to know that this day is finally here.  You’ve needed it for over three and a half years.   You needed it when doctors were telling you to have a hysterectomy at the age of 34.  You needed it after those surgeries and all those treatments.  You needed it as you watched everyone around you puff up with child, leaving you the last one on the block to wonder if it would ever happen.   You have needed so badly to know that you will in fact “get there” one day, sooner than you think.  As much as I needed your message telling me that I might be wrong,  you need this message telling you that

this time….

YOU WERE RIGHT.

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. melissa
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 10:34:51

    Omgomgomg are You serious ?!?!? Congrats that’s amazing and ill be back later to say more

    Reply

  2. Sabrina
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 10:35:48

    Holy crap. Congratulations!

    Reply

  3. Amanda
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 10:40:27

    OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!! My heart was sinking at the beginning…I was f*ing surprised too!!!! YAY!!!

    Reply

  4. Amy
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 11:17:40

    Wow! Congratulations!

    Reply

  5. JDragonfly
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 11:20:13

    Wow! That’s great M.G.! Congrats – I’m so glad past you was wrong. Savor this moment!

    Reply

  6. Misty
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 11:50:50

    that is so awesome! Congrats! So happy for you!

    Reply

  7. Melissa
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 19:27:12

    Okay, now I’m on a computer and not my phone. I am so so excited for you!! That is amazing! Fantastic! Wonderful! So so many great adjectives that don’t come anywhere near describing this! After all you’ve been through, you kept faith and now you’re there! Congratulations! You deserve this and so much more!

    Reply

  8. Gabi
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 06:52:04

    WOW! How wonderful, i’m so choked up right now… congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  9. Kana
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 07:34:53

    Yaaay!!! I am so excited for you! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  10. Melissa
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 18:47:15

    Where is the more lady! I think your public wants details!

    Reply

  11. Toludc
    Aug 12, 2011 @ 04:05:15

    Congratulations. Beautiful post.

    Reply

  12. lilyhy
    Aug 14, 2011 @ 16:33:13

    CONGRATS!!!!

    Reply

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