numb~

It freaks me out that I’m not freaking out yet.  I mean, look at the name of my blog… I freak out about things.  This is the biggest thing to freak out about in all of my 38 years– so why am I not freaking out??

This was the cycle that we were taking a “break” from treatments, partly for financial reasons, and  partly because our doctor had concerns about Husband’s sperm numbers and wanted him to get checked out again.  Turned out his swimmers got bad grades in the morphology class,  which meant that not enough of them were formed correctly and wouldn’t survive the trip.    I asked my doctor if this was an impotant factor in why I wasn’t getting pregnant and she said “Of course!  Combined with your scarring and your advanced age.”  (Usually the word “advanced” is a good thing,  like if you are taking an advanced class in school… but youch!)

So there were no high hopes- we weren’t getting any help, and the doctor had broken down for me all the reasons we needed it.   But we were too broke to continue for a while, so I was prepared for months of sulking and disappointment.   Still I kept temping and charting and forcing Husband into the sack when the party lights came on.  There were no fireworks,  there was no magic moment after sex when I thought “That was it!”  (I thought I had that moment several times before.)  In fact,  as I whined about in a recent blog we hadn’t been doing it very much at all.  He has been busy with a new job and we have literally wept together over the state of our sex life and apparent lack of reproductive health.

But still we were trying.  Even with all those factors it was definitely NOT the situation where I “finally just stopped trying and it happened on its own.”  It wasn’t that.  The few times we actually had sex last month it was impossible for me to enjoy myself because I was anticipating his orgasm, and what position and state of mind I should be in when he had it.  I still checked my temperature obsessively every morning and checked my breasts for “unusual tenderness” every night (and morning… and afternoon…).  There was never anything strange.  There was never a bizarre change in cervical fluid,  there was no nausea,  there were no unusually high temperatures,  there was no “8dpo implantation dip”,  there was no sense of “just knowing”.  Everything was exactly the same as it always is when I’m about to get my period, complete with cramps (which I still have).

And then right on schedule (if maybe a single day earlier than normal) my temperature dropped way down, heralding the impending end of my cycle.  It was 12 days after ovulation, the 26th day of my cycle,  and my temperature took a big dive like it would normally have done a day or two later.  So that was when I threw in the towel,  felt my heart break a little,  and wrote a blog begging myself to stop getting my hopes up every month.

Then I started feeling like crap.  But I always feel like crap when I’m about to bleed.  The thing that was new was a massive scary migraine that would not quit for 3 days.   We are in the grips of a major heatwave and drought down here and heat gives me headaches.  So does the start of my cycle.  But this headache was new.    It wasn’t just an “I need aspirin and a nap” headache,  it was an “Oh shit am I having an aneurysm?!” headache.  I never looked it up to see if it was a symptom of pregnancy, because my chart had already told me my cycle was over.

Then I noticed I was feeling hot in the morning and I started temping again, surprised to find out the numbers were back up.  But not way up… just “kinda up” the way they get right before they drop for good.   I thought I was just getting sick from stress and had a little fever.  There was a lot of other stuff going on right then, too.  Husband was having travel problems trying to go on an important work trip,  I had a friend in town who was having a “my boyfriend just dumped me” meltdown on my couch,  our anniversary was coming up and we were having money problems,  and the IRS was threatening to repo my mortal soul.    I was pretty sure all of that was contributing to The Big Headache as well.

Then my throat started hurting, which I attributed to stress and lack of sleep.  Meanwhile I wasn’t sleeping because I suddenly couldn’t find a comfortable position.

I think it was the morning of Day 29 that I woke up at about 4:30 a.m. with hot flashes and a crazy notion in my head that I decided maybe I needed to make a run to the 24 hour drugstore around the corner from here.   I got the cheapest one they had because I knew it would be negative.   I just needed to shut myself up so I could go back to sleep.   It made a plus sign right away.

I didn’t scream,  I didn’t even gasp.   I just made a face at it like somebody told me a joke that didn’t make sense and said “Whaaaaat?”  Then I pulled the box out of the trash and read it over again and looked back at the stick.  that was a dark blue POSITIVE.  “Oh… but it’s blue,”  I thought.   I had always heard that those were the faulty ones.  Was this for real?  If so why wasn’t I shaking and crying?   I stared at the plus sign for a while and I think I started to laugh.  I decided I was going to go for a walk and decide how if and when I would tell Husband.  I planned to go early morning grocery shopping and make a big breakfast.  I’d get him some flowers and a card and let him wake up in his own time to some big crazy display.   That’s what I thought I would do.  The next thing I knew however I had pounced on top of him going “Honey! What are you doing?  Are you awake?”  holding the little blue plus sign in front of his bewildered face with one open eye.

I sent an email to the nurse at the fertility clinic (which we hadn’t even used last month) and ran off to the dollar store for another test.  Two Pink Lines.   All I did was chuckle at it.   The nurse faxed me some paperwork to take to a nearby lab where I had my blood drawn.  A couple hours later i got the official call : “You’re positive!”  Still, I only giggled and asked what the next steps were.  “More bloodwork in 2 days,  don’t smoke or drink or kickbox,  no more of this and that and yadda yadda…”

Still, I haven’t freaked out.   I haven’t cried and that is really bugging me.  I have lost sleep,  but mostly because my body is aching in ways that make it impossible to lie down comfortably.   I stare into space in a way that makes Husband think I’m lost in deep thought,  but it’s really just because I feel like a complete airhead right now and I’m probably trying to remember my name.   Maybe that’s a form of freaking out?

I don’t “feel pregnant”,  I just feel like I’m having a really uncomfortable period without the blood.   I don’t think I have accepted it yet.  I have spent so long “without” that now I don’t know how to behave “with”.

It also doesn’t feel real yet because it’s not news.   Maybe I need to tell more people.  I haven’t told anybody yet other than my mother, his mother, my boss, and you guys.  I want to be rejoicing.  I thought I would cry when I told my mother, but I didn’t.  I just laughed at her while she hyperventilated and squealed over the phone.  I want to be delirious with excitement,  but I’m just sleepy and out of it.  I want to believe it… but I don’t know if I do.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Misty
    Aug 12, 2011 @ 09:28:37

    oh, I feel for you. I will probably react the same way. Just so much disappointment, it’s hard to let yourself celebrate. But you deserve it! I am so happy for you!

    Reply

  2. http://over40forivf.blogspot.com/
    Aug 12, 2011 @ 17:14:54

    I feel so good for you that I’m numb too. Thanks for sharing your experience. It will ‘sink’ in soon, especially when your belly begins to poke, showing the world.

    Reply

  3. Jill
    Aug 12, 2011 @ 19:21:50

    I wish you the best!

    Reply

  4. Melissa
    Aug 13, 2011 @ 15:02:40

    It will take awhile to really sink in! It really is happening!!!

    Reply

  5. Jenney
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 12:06:53

    From what I have gathered, it’s incredibly normal to have this exact reaction when you find out you are pregnant after dealing with IF. It’s not like the years of struggle and pain and disappointment suddenly evaporate as soon as that second line turns pink. You will probably need time to adjust to this new state, and it’s normal and totally OK if that takes a little while. Don’t be hard on yourself for not feeling whatever you think you *should* be feeling right now (don’t *should* all over yourself!). We are all so happy for you, and know that while you are also happy, you need to process this in your own way. Wishing you so much love right now…

    Reply

    • m.g.
      Aug 15, 2011 @ 12:24:51

      Thank you so much for those words, Jenney~
      It’s kinda the same as it was before, with people saying to just be happy and think positive, only this time it seems like that *should* be the case… but you’re right, no need to should all over myself 😉

      Reply

  6. Jaime Ttc Smith
    Aug 18, 2011 @ 16:57:55

    This gives me hope, my husband has a morphology of 1% (yikes) and I also have scarring and a cyst, all things are possible. Good luck to you!!

    Reply

  7. Sunny Side Up
    Nov 06, 2011 @ 07:17:09

    Oh my goodness, sorry it has taken me so darn long to get back to reading this! CONGRATULATIONS!! What an awesome little surprise!
    Hope all goes well with the first 12 weeks, though I’m sure you’ll do great!!

    Sunny Side Up xx

    Reply

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