fear of flying

So it’s been a week since I found out, and I still haven’t cried. Well, that’s not entirely true.

One of the physical things I have been experiencing is cramping late at night.  The other night the cramps were bad enough that they woke me up, which scared the crap out of me and made me cry.  I did some 3a.m. Googling to make sure it was normal,  Husband made me a heating pad out of moist dishtowels microwaved in a plastic bag,  and eventually I was able to calm down and sleep again for a while.

I find myself doing more Paranoid Symptom Googling now than before.  I am obsessively checking to make sure everything I am feeling is normal, especially since I am so crampy.  I think part of the reason I haven’t really given into rejoicing over this moment is that part of me is so horrified of losing this thing that I can’t be properly psyched about it.  There are waves of cautious giddiness,  but it isn’t completely real to me yet.   It’s like I won a million dollars in the lottery,  but the check hasn’t arrived yet and there are still a bunch of bills to pay so I can’t plan the party just yet.

Also,  after all that time where I hated to hear about other people becoming pregnant I find myself wondering now who might be somehow offended or hurt by my success.  It’s  like that million dollar check is on its way but I don’t want to rub it in anybody’s face in case they are flat broke like I was before.  The difference though, is that at least I might be able to share the million bucks… this thing is all mine.

See what I keep saying?  “This thing”?  I don’t mean the kid,  I mean the success… the pregnancy… those are the “things” I don’t let myself say very much yet.  Sometimes I text the words “I am pregnant!” to Husband just to see how it looks and see if I believe it.  There were so many times just before my period started that I really believed it so strongly, and I was always wrong.  There were so many times that I “just knew” like they say you will,  and I was always wrong.  I have “felt pregnant” many times before without being that way.  Now that I finally am,  I don’t think I “feel pregnant” at all yet.  I just feel nervous and anxious and a little spooked by all the unfamiliar  creaks and groans my machinery is making.

Okay I just figured it out.   You know what this is like? (You guys know I do love a metaphor…)  It’s like my whole life I have wanted to go on this dream vacation to see the world.  I have been looking at everyone else’s vacation photos and listening to all their fabulous travel stories wishing I could get there, too, one day.  Now I’m finally on my way,  but before I get there, I have to get on an airplane and fly over the ocean for a long,  long time.   I was so excited to get my tickets,  so excited to pack and head to the airport,  but now that the plane is starting to take off all I can think of is everything that might go wrong.   My ears start to pop and I panic, wondering if anyone else’s ears are popping or if maybe my head is about to explode.   I hear the wheels shift back and lock into their hiding place and I panic again wondering if they are really supposed to make all that noise.   The ‘fasten seatbelts’ sign keeps coming back on and freaking me out.   We pass through a cloud and there is turbulence… “Shit! Shit! Shit! What was THAT”    The nurses at the fertility clinic are the stewardesses,  patiently masking their amusement and/or annoyance at my repeated calls of  “Is this normal?  Is this safe?  How does this thing work?!”

Yep, that’s exactly what it is:  Fear of flying.   I can’t get excited about this lucky lottery dream vacation I’m going on until I convince myself that the plane is not going to crash, and I should just sit back and enjoy this gorgeous heavenly view… turbulence and all.

Up, up , and away!

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Paula Tresintsis
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 08:01:52

    Hi how

    I would like to congratulate you for your pregnancy. I would also like to say that everything you are feeling is completely normal. However, how would it be to think about your pregnancy in a positive frame of mind?

    I totally empathise with your situation, having been in the frame of mind of what if this happens, what if that happens?

    Infertility has alot of “what ifs”. You are no longer “infertile” you are pregnant.

    Enjoy your journey. I am hear for you if you would like to chat about your emotions.

    Paula Tresintsis
    Fertile Dreams
    http://www.fertile-dreams.com

    Reply

  2. Amy Isdaner Pali
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 08:42:52

    I love your metaphors! 🙂 You make perfect sense, but in the beginning, “feeling pregnant” is all about those awful cramps and pains. Think about the positive (imagine you’re in first class, if you will!) all those pains are your uterus stretching and growing to make a nice big room for your bean. I know you know all of this, as I am an obsessive googler myself! And don’t worry about offending other people. The fact that you are even worried aout that shows that you’re not the type of person to cruelly rub it in someone’s face. You ARE allowed to be happy about this and share the news, I hope that you get there soon as the fear starts to dissipate. Hugs!!!

    Reply

  3. melissa
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 16:31:36

    Aw you are so sweet and considerate to remember others with the same struggles at your time of success. I hope you will be able to believe it and celebrate soon. Your methaphor is so spot on! Again and again I must say I am so incredibly happy for you!

    Reply

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