funny little lies

Writing about this journey has become awkward but I know I need to keep doing it, if only for the sake of my own sanity.   When I started writing,  the topic was infertility and the confusion that comes with it.  That was easy to write and joke about as  I was intimately familiar with the subject matter.  It has been a constant part of my life for so long that I needed to write about it to keep the experience of it from crushing me.

Now I have crossed a border into new territory.  It’s hard to write about where you are when you have no idea where you are.   I am excited,  but frightened… thrilled, but confused… animated with new joy, but fatigued to the point not being able to have emotions at all.  All the opposing feelings balance (or cancel) each other out and leave me with something like numbness,  suspended in a bubble where part of me doesn’t even know how to believe my own new reality.  It’s a weird trip,  and I know I need to keep chronicling it just in case somebody else is lost out here too and can use the trail of breadcrumbs.

Not being able to shout it out to the world yet is another odd factor.  This is the biggest deal in my life,  and I am supposed to act like it’s not happening for a while… just in case.  I think it’s that ugly just in case that is keeping me handcuffed to all my old fears.  I have told a couple of my closest friends, but most of my them live in another time zone so there is still a sense of detachment from the whole thing.  Even my mother and mother in law live in another city, so I haven’t had been able to directly experience the tears and hugs that should be part of The Big News.   So most of my time in public is spent lying.   “How have you been?”  “Oh…you know… just really tired.”  “Really?  Are you okay? What’s up?”  “Oh, nothing… I think it’s the heat…”  Meanwhile the inside of my brain is screaming like a kidnap victim “I AM LYING TO YOU RIGHT NOW! FIGURE THAT OUT AND MAKE ME TELL YOU THE TRUTH!”

Funny thing is that up until now everything odd that I said or did or felt made people assume I was pregnant ans ask me about it.   Now that it’s true and I have been acting weird and sick,  no one is saying a word.  Maybe I finally got everyone trained to not dare bug me about that.  Maybe I bit off enough heads in the past that the word got out not to even make the suggestion in my presence.  Husband keeps having to go out to dinners and birthday parties without me, saying “She hasn’t been feeling well” or “She was too tired.”  That has to be obvious right?   But I just get messages of “Hope you feel better soon!” in response to my sudden anti-social mystery illness behavior.   It’s funny… and weird… and lonely.

I suppose I could consider this self-imposed period of isolation a sort of cocoon phase.  I’m just hanging out alone while I learn how to transform and shed the skin of my past life.  Soon enough I’ll be able to bust out of my shell and show off the new M.G.  But for now,  maybe I’ll work on making “Must be the heat” as obviously fake as possible until somebody finally calls me on my BS.

 

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. A
    Aug 23, 2011 @ 09:13:37

    I just came across your blog a week or so ago, I guess just before you found out you were pregnant. Congratulations!
    We’ve been TTC for over 2.5 years now and just had our first IUI. It’s nice to know there’s hope. 🙂
    As I was reading your last post about not being able to tell people you’re pregnant, I really got thinking….
    Who/why was it that decided that women should wait to a pre-determined time to tell people they’re pregnant? The “just in case” as you said. Yes, unfortunately, things can happen that are devastating. But why is that something that should be kept secret? Is it the same kind of shame that tends to go along with infertility?
    What is it that stops us (women, not me obviously) from sharing our happy news?

    I hope you don’t take this personally, because it is SO not meant that way. Your post just really got to me – you are not “allowed,” according to society, to tell people you’re pregnant, even though it sounds like you really want to.

    I wish you the very best in your pregnancy!

    Reply

    • m.g.
      Aug 23, 2011 @ 09:37:51

      hi A 🙂
      i don’t think it’s “society” or any kind of shame factor that suggests we wait to share the news. it’s a personal choice, and as far as i can tell there’s no hard and fast rule, just the suggestion… it is meant to protect your own privacy and heart in a way. the good news of a pregnancy spreads fast, and further than you realize… and in the unfortunate (and hopefully unlikely) event that something did go wrong, you would have spend a lot of energy spreading the *bad* news as well during a hard time when you might not want to have to talk about it. I don’t know about you, but i certainly wouldn’t want to have to keep talking about that over and over to everybody i came across for the next 3 months.
      as hard as it is, and as much as i will fuss about it, not telling yet is a choice *I* made, as there have been complications in that area of my body for so long that i want to be absolutely sure -for myself- that this is the real deal. like i said i have told my closest friends– basically people who i would want to talk to about it if things went wrong.
      everybody is different and can do their own thing~ i have certainly seen people who post their positive pregnancy tests on facebook the second it happens 😉
      some people tell the world before they even tell their husband, some people only tell close family, some people do the 3 month wait.
      i’ve been spilling the beans a little bit at a time… every other day i tell another friend.. and i probably won’t make it 3 months with everybody else…maybe 2 …maybe… 😉

      Reply

  2. A
    Aug 23, 2011 @ 14:30:09

    I’m glad you weren’t offended by my post because, as I said, I really wasn’t trying to make it personal. I do get what you’re saying, that it’s a way to protect your heart.

    Again, I wish you all the happiness and health with your pregnancy! All the best to you!

    Reply

  3. Melissa
    Aug 24, 2011 @ 05:55:41

    The desire to tell people is SOOOOO Strong! I told people right away with my son, but my last pregnancy I was determined to keep it quiet for awhile. I ended up telling only a few people. When I found out the pregnancy was chemical, I was glad I didn’t HAVE to tell a lot of people. I ended up telling quite a few, to explain my emotional state, but it was on my terms.

    We so badly want to make it feel real by telling people. When a woman tries for so long to get pregnant, she wants to shout it from the rooftops when it finally happens, but something holds us back. It’s challenging too, because a lot of people know that I’m TTC, so I’m often asked how it’s going. I don’t know if I would flat lie if they asked and I was pregnant!

    Continuing to send you lots of positive thoughts!

    Reply

    • m.g.
      Aug 24, 2011 @ 07:12:14

      i don’t totally “lie” I guess… I say something about how I haven’t been sleeping well cuz of the heat…and then hope they keep asking 😉

      Reply

  4. Melissa
    Aug 24, 2011 @ 19:21:38

    And any other time, they would, wouldn’t they!? Murphey’s Law!

    Reply

  5. Melissa
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 12:51:04

    Hope everything is going okay!!!

    Reply

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