deer in the headlights

I’ve been dealing with some pretty serious insomnia for the past couple weeks (among other things), which is all part of this new uncharted territory.   The sleeplessness is partly due to hormones, partly due to the fact that I have to pee all night, and partly due to the state of low-grade panic that sets in once it’s quiet and still in the house, and I have time to really think.  Night-thinking is rarely a good thing.   I’ve noticed something funny when I share this frustration with people.  A lot of the advice you hear when dealing with the fears and freakouts of early pregnancy are quite familiar, mainly this old gem:  “Just Relax… and Enjoy It!”

Sigh…

I haven’t slept more than an hour at a time in about a month and a half,  driving to the store and back makes me so motion sick I feel like I lost a fight on a roller coaster,  and every time I get a gas pain I think I’m having a miscarriage– so “Just relax and enjoy it” hardly feels like a satisfactory response when I can’t stop crying because Husband brought home root beer instead of creme soda.   I know it’s temporary,  I know it’s all part of the big beautiful miracle that’s happening inside me,  but I am as terrified as I am ecstatic and I have no idea what to do with that kind of energy.

I think the whole experience and my hard time dealing with it are exacerbated by my sleeplessness.  But how can I sleep?  Last night I took a Benadryl and managed to conk out for a couple hours, but I always wake all the way up by 2 or 3 in the morning… starving and anxious.  I get up and feed myself some fruit and try to fall asleep again,  but my mind starts racing like it’s in the freakin’ Indy 500:   Do we have enough money?  When am I going to be able to go back to work?  What will my child be like?  What will the world be like to my child?  What’s going on in my body?  What was THAT cramp?  What if he gets sick?  What if I do?  What if I’m not eating enough greens right now?  Should I get up and eat broccoli?  Why do they keep checking my blood?  Why won’t the cat shut up?  Does Husband always snore like that?  What about the economy?  I need new pants!  These sheets suck- we need new sheets, too.  I’m hungry.  I need to throw up.  I need to pee.  Holy crap there’s a living creature inside me right now and the world is a scary imperfect place! What can I do to fix the whole entire world before my child gets here?!

Yeah,  it’s pretty hard to sleep with all that noise in my brain.  But how do you NOT think about all that stuff when faced with the weighty prospect of being in charge of a new life?   How DO you Just Relax?  I would love to Just Relax.

We live in a kind of wooded area, and we get deer in our yard a lot.  Particularly since there has been this killer drought here in Texas,  we make sure there is water and food out for the local wildlife, so they know to hang out in our yard.   The bucks are bold and don’t run away when I go out to toss leftover veggies at them.  The does, however, all have fawns right now and consequently are jumpy and nervous as hell.   It’s their job to protect the young ones, and to teach them to be nervous and jumpy, too.  At the slightest noise, Mama Deer  is standing at attention with her giant frightened eyes on the lookout for danger.  She assumes everything is danger, so she stomps her foot and barks,  letting the rest of the crew know it’s time to run away.  I read somewhere that deer only sleep a total of about 3 hours a day, and not all at once.   Always on the lookout for danger…

I was watching one of the Mama Deer in our backyard recently.  I moved the curtain too quickly or something and she looked up at me, her eyes filled with panic.   I saw myself in those nervous mama eyes and I automatically said those well-meaning magic words to her “Just relax, Lady.  Calm down, you’re fine….”  She barked at me and ran away, sure to not sleep later for wondering if I’m coming to harm her little one.

I totally know how she feels.

grateful groggy grouch

Fatigue and weepiness have taken over my life in the past few weeks, but all is still well.   I haven’t even been able to work for a while.  Maybe if I had a sit down job I could muddle through,  but I work at a daycare where we spend most of the day outside on the playground.  This has been the hottest summer Texas has ever seen, and work was becoming exhausting enough on the best of days.  I’m in no shape to be chasing after kids right now.  Not that many of them anyway.   So I lay around at home and try to get chores done during the  five or ten minutes of energy I have at a time.   I’m closing in on week ten… I hear it will start to get easier soon.

Here’s this weeks peek at the bean.  He/She is starting to look like a little person!

Wait…a person?  Inside me??

love roller coaster

Okay,  you remember that  ride at the amusement park where it spins around real fast until you stick to the wall?  You remember how you couldn’t lift your head very easily but you kept trying and it kept smacking back?   You know how you would keep going on it over and over… but after like the 4th or 5th time in there you were no longer capable of enjoying anything else at the amusement park because you were blind with dizziness and thought you were gonna puke out your brain?  Yeah, I’ve been feeling like that.

I asked for it.  The first couple weeks I kept worrying that I didn’t feel quite sick enough and that maybe that meant something was wrong.  Turned out I wasn’t entirely off base.  My progesterone levels had dropped dangerously low.  More than they told me originally, actually.   The doctor didn’t let me know until the second ultrasound when the heartbeat was “nice and strong” that he had been worried after the first ultrasound.   For a minute I was annoyed that he withheld that bit of information, but I know it would have made me beyond crazy to know that my “pregnancy was struggling”, as he put it.  So now I’m all hopped up on a progesterone supplement,  my levels are back up and “everything looks exactly like it should.”

And I no longer have to worry about not being sick enough.

I haven’t been pukey or anything, but it is amazing how completely drained I can feel after a day of laying around on the couch.  I know I’m quite busy on the inside,  but it’s hard to not just feel lazy.

Oh, and the crying.   Remember how I kept whining about the fact that I hadn’t gotten emotional yet?  Yeah well that problem has been solved, too.  I don’t know if I’ve cried specifically about the pregnancy itself, but I have cried about pretty much everything else.   Saw a woman pushing a stroller yesterday… made me cry.   Went to the grocery store and couldn’t find anything appetizing… so I cried.  Saw a baby deer outside our house… bawled like somebody had died in front of me.  Husband was scared that something was going wrong.   He kept asking me what the matter was and he couldn’t understand my hysterical response:  “He’s …*sob* … just… *sob* *snort* ... a ... *snort* *choke-gag-choke*….. bayyyyyy-beeeee!

Oh, and I have this new thing where when he asks me what I want for dinner… I cry.

I think I cry because I never know what to eat anymore and that freaks me out,  but it might just be because I am suddenly incapable of handling direct questions.

Food has become complicated and frustrating.  Everything stinks to me right now.   Watermelon seems to work out alright,  and popcorn.  I think I want something really badly and then I turn my nose up at it when I see it.  Oh, and i’m suddenly lactose intolerant which I never was before.  You think one of the many perks of pregnancy is all the ice cream you get to pig out on, but not for me.  Husband made me a yummy milkshake yesterday… and that milk didn’t stop shaking for the rest of the night.

So yeah, I feel like crap and I’m an emotional disaster zone right now… but I never forget what it means.  It amazes me constantly what my body is up to in there.  There is a whole new universe being created inside of me.  My body is transforming itself so that a new life can enter the world through it.   That is the definition of the word awesome.  I’m like a freakin’ Stargate.  And I’m doing this.  Me.  The one who was told this could never happen.  The one who was told my uterus was no good and should be ripped out and thrown away.   My amazing body is giving everything it has right now to it’s new inhabitant… and it’s making me restless and exhausted, hungry and nauseous,  thrilled and weepy,  excited and horrified… sick and tired…

Mostly tired.  But of course I can’t sleep.  When I close my eyes at night my brain starts going a million miles an hour.  It’s like trying to listen to fifteen radio stations at once.  So I toss and turn and yell at the cat when he steps on my boobs.

And that, my friends, is What’s Up.

*Next ultrasound is coming up Wednesday by the way… I will be 9 and a half weeks then and the picture will be more than just a blurry smudge.  I’ll share that one, I promise.   😉

hellooooo

still here. news is all good,

i’ve just been feeling like absolute crap, which i imagine is a good thing.

taking  a progesterone supplement since my levels dropped dangerously low a couple weeks ago,

it is helping with the bellybean, but it is keeping me pretty sick.

i promise i am going to write more as soon as i can lift my head for ten minuted without crying or wanting to faint

xoxox

thank you all