love roller coaster

Okay,  you remember that  ride at the amusement park where it spins around real fast until you stick to the wall?  You remember how you couldn’t lift your head very easily but you kept trying and it kept smacking back?   You know how you would keep going on it over and over… but after like the 4th or 5th time in there you were no longer capable of enjoying anything else at the amusement park because you were blind with dizziness and thought you were gonna puke out your brain?  Yeah, I’ve been feeling like that.

I asked for it.  The first couple weeks I kept worrying that I didn’t feel quite sick enough and that maybe that meant something was wrong.  Turned out I wasn’t entirely off base.  My progesterone levels had dropped dangerously low.  More than they told me originally, actually.   The doctor didn’t let me know until the second ultrasound when the heartbeat was “nice and strong” that he had been worried after the first ultrasound.   For a minute I was annoyed that he withheld that bit of information, but I know it would have made me beyond crazy to know that my “pregnancy was struggling”, as he put it.  So now I’m all hopped up on a progesterone supplement,  my levels are back up and “everything looks exactly like it should.”

And I no longer have to worry about not being sick enough.

I haven’t been pukey or anything, but it is amazing how completely drained I can feel after a day of laying around on the couch.  I know I’m quite busy on the inside,  but it’s hard to not just feel lazy.

Oh, and the crying.   Remember how I kept whining about the fact that I hadn’t gotten emotional yet?  Yeah well that problem has been solved, too.  I don’t know if I’ve cried specifically about the pregnancy itself, but I have cried about pretty much everything else.   Saw a woman pushing a stroller yesterday… made me cry.   Went to the grocery store and couldn’t find anything appetizing… so I cried.  Saw a baby deer outside our house… bawled like somebody had died in front of me.  Husband was scared that something was going wrong.   He kept asking me what the matter was and he couldn’t understand my hysterical response:  “He’s …*sob* … just… *sob* *snort* ... a ... *snort* *choke-gag-choke*….. bayyyyyy-beeeee!

Oh, and I have this new thing where when he asks me what I want for dinner… I cry.

I think I cry because I never know what to eat anymore and that freaks me out,  but it might just be because I am suddenly incapable of handling direct questions.

Food has become complicated and frustrating.  Everything stinks to me right now.   Watermelon seems to work out alright,  and popcorn.  I think I want something really badly and then I turn my nose up at it when I see it.  Oh, and i’m suddenly lactose intolerant which I never was before.  You think one of the many perks of pregnancy is all the ice cream you get to pig out on, but not for me.  Husband made me a yummy milkshake yesterday… and that milk didn’t stop shaking for the rest of the night.

So yeah, I feel like crap and I’m an emotional disaster zone right now… but I never forget what it means.  It amazes me constantly what my body is up to in there.  There is a whole new universe being created inside of me.  My body is transforming itself so that a new life can enter the world through it.   That is the definition of the word awesome.  I’m like a freakin’ Stargate.  And I’m doing this.  Me.  The one who was told this could never happen.  The one who was told my uterus was no good and should be ripped out and thrown away.   My amazing body is giving everything it has right now to it’s new inhabitant… and it’s making me restless and exhausted, hungry and nauseous,  thrilled and weepy,  excited and horrified… sick and tired…

Mostly tired.  But of course I can’t sleep.  When I close my eyes at night my brain starts going a million miles an hour.  It’s like trying to listen to fifteen radio stations at once.  So I toss and turn and yell at the cat when he steps on my boobs.

And that, my friends, is What’s Up.

*Next ultrasound is coming up Wednesday by the way… I will be 9 and a half weeks then and the picture will be more than just a blurry smudge.  I’ll share that one, I promise.   😉


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. melissa
    Sep 08, 2011 @ 18:06:53

    Yep sounds like pregnancy!!! Hang in there its going to get better!


  2. mrs. brightside
    Sep 08, 2011 @ 21:46:56

    Congrats? Sorry for the roller coaster misery but so happy for what it means! Hang in there, hang in there…


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