long time no see

it’s been a while.

i was sick for a while, and then i was busy for a while, and then i was just conflicted about how to share my pregnancy story with people who might be sick of the “success” of others.  i felt like i went onto that list that we infertiles have of “everybody else but me” who was getting knocked up.  i felt outside of “the club”.  i had already been scolded once on a facebook page for posting a funny video with a baby in it on  a page about LAUGHING at infertility… i was told it was horribly insensitive of me, and this is before i was pregnant–

also i just didn’t have as much to say about being pregnant, because it was all so new to me.  infertility i had dealt with for a long time– pregnancy was all new terrain that shocked and amazed and confused me with every step.  i didn’t know how to translate that into the blogosphere.

i could go on with my list of excuses as to why i stopped writing, but none of it matters now.   i wish i had never stopped.  i wish i would have been recording the good parts…

have you picked up that i’m referring to my pregnancy in the past tense?

everything was going great. i was feeling stronger,  the little boy inside me was growing bigger and stronger.  i could feel him dancing and flipping around inside me for a while… and then i couldn’t anymore.  every little thing with the pregnancy made me paranoid and scared, and this was supposed to go on that list.  i scheduled a doctor visit, just to reassure myself that i was being silly and everything was fine.  i had just seen him in detail about 2 weeks ago via ultrasound… but this time,  the sweet sound of his heartbeat was gone. “no activity” she told me after a heavy sigh…

they booked me immediately into the hospital across the street to induce labor so i could deliver … the cord was wrapped arounf his neck 5 times.  a rare and random accident that couldn’t have been prevented or helped, i was told… which means theres nothing to blame…which means i fall aprt and end up blaming myself.

this was all 2 days ago.  i got home from the hospital last night and have been in bed having spontaneous breakdowns all day.  i have never wailed and cried and screamed so hard or so much.  this is Hell.

i was almost at 6 months. people have been rooting for us and excited with us.  we already have a couple boxes worth of gifts and of course stacks of baby books and magazines all over the house.

now i feel like we have broken a hundred hearts with The Bad News… just in time for the holidays.

so… that is where i’ve been, and where i am.

sorry to come back with such ugliness–

but this is the beginning of another journey, right?


i’m going back to sleep now… red wine and motrin pm will see to that.



10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Becky Burch Auerbach
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 20:01:33

    Oh, wow. I don’t know what to say! I don’t know you, but I had been rooting for you and was so excited for you and your husband. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine. I pray that you will find comfort in your friends, family, and faith (and maybe even a little red wine) during this difficult time.


  2. Melissa
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 20:25:36

    Oh holy crap. Damn. I am so so so sorry…I’ve really thought of you a lot these past few months, hoping everything was going well…I’m absolutely devastated to hear that it’s not. I remember crying when I saw that you were pregnant…you so deserved to finally reach your goal. Now to have it snatched away from you in such a horrific way just seems horribly unfair. I’m literally sick, I feel so terrible for you. No woman should ever have to go through this.

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I pray that God will send you comfort and strength to somehow deal with this. I’m sorrier than I can possibly say. *HUGS*


  3. nissadog
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 01:38:48

    I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy! Words won’t make it better…praying for healing, peace and comfort for you and your husband.


  4. Jenney
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 17:54:16

    I have been checking in regularly to see if you had updated, and I’m so sad to see this entry today. I wish you so much love and comfort right now…you are suffering every infertile’s worst nightmare, and we are all right here with you holding you in our hearts.


  5. Angela Davis
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 19:10:34

    Haven’t commented before, but just wanted to say I’m also very, very sorry to hear your news. This is just so horribly unfair. Wishing you strength, healing and peace.


  6. mrs. brightside
    Dec 18, 2011 @ 22:02:33

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. Tragic and horrible in any circumstances, but particularly cruel considering everything you have gone through already. It makes me want to throw things and yell at the universe, there is nothing fair or right about it, yet there it is. I hope you give yourself whatever time and space (and alcohol) you need to grieve and heal, and know that we’re here for you. For your bad days, for your good days, and hopefully for the day when you feel ready to enter the fight yet again.


  7. Melissa
    Dec 19, 2011 @ 09:36:56

    This breaks my heart to hear…I was so thrilled when you found out you were pregnant. You so deserved this after what you have been through. To have it end like this is so incredibly, indescribably unfair. I’m so so so sorry. I am praying for you…may God give you strength and eventually peace.


  8. Jenna Belle
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 18:28:59

    I am devastated for you. I read your blog in the summer and then fell off the bandwagon for a while. when I was dealing with my own treatments. I actually started my own blog after my miscarriage in September. Loss after dealing with infertility for so long is incredibly unfair. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


  9. moonhippie
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 20:15:55

    *hug* dealing with a loss is horrible. we lost twins in august. Infertility is an ass. I am so very sorry for your loss.


  10. lilyhy
    Jan 15, 2012 @ 21:05:27

    I am one of the infertiles you speak of that put you in the category of “somewhere I’m never going to be”. I may have been saddened by your departure from the group but I never wished this horrible action on you. I am SO sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you’re experiencing and then magnify it by a thousand. I give you all my strength and hugs.


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