Feeling a little more human… I think… sometimes.   At least the spaces between meltdowns are starting to grow.  When the call comes to go pick up his ashes, I’m sure this cycle will start again… but for now there is a lingering numbness.  Something like calm.  I hear myself laughing from time to time and it sounds like it’s coming from somewhere else… but at least it’s coming.

Of course, the night before last I had a dream that I was back in the hospital about to have labor induced again.  This time though, my blood was being drawn out through big thick needles and pumped into dozens of glass baby bottles.  I wanted to get away, but naturally I couldn’t move.

I didn’t sleep much more after that dream.

And apparently I am at the phase of depression where I need to write cheesy poetry like a 16 year old goth chick.  It’s a step, i guess…


Red wine and tears and sleeping pills and games my mind is playing

Conversations with constellations: similar to praying.

And now the sun is far away, and so the world is colder,

“Have faith, the sun will rise again” they say as I get older.

I had a second beating heart, he took so long to find me

He came from space and left a space to constantly remind me

Now in the vacuum  of the void my mind is pulled apart.

Stumbling without the rhythm of my second beating heart.

Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Melissa
    Dec 23, 2011 @ 13:34:48

    Your use of the lyric from Silent Night really resonated with me. I hope you are able to find some peace as time goes on…Prayers…


  2. mrs. brightside
    Dec 24, 2011 @ 10:19:47

    I don’t think it’s cheesy at all, and seems like a beautiful way to work through this pain. I hope you find some peace in the coming days.


  3. Melissa
    Dec 28, 2011 @ 18:11:52

    I keep leaving comments and they keep disappearing. :-/
    Your use of the lyrics of Silent night really resonated with me. I do hope you find your peace soon.


  4. Amelia
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 01:23:56

    Going through similar trials. Sending you light and love.


  5. Maria
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 13:47:53

    Visiting from LFCA. Saw that you were hurting and just wanted to send you some peace vibes, knowing that no words are even capable of comfort. Absolutely loved your use of Silent Night here…and what a beautiful poem.


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