new year

I’ve been feeling a little… “better”, I guess is the word.  Yesterday I made it through the entire day without a meltdown, which was a nice way to start the new year.  The holiday season was brutal, under the circumstances, and I’m glad they are over.  I am able to talk about it without falling apart,  and I’m writing this right now without having to fight to see through the blur of my own tears.

My body is feeling stronger, too.  For the first week I thought my breasts were going to actually kill me if I didn’t nurse something.   And I had zero appetite so I wasn’t eating much.  I probably stayed in bed for a solid two weeks, surrounded by my cat, my computer, and endless balled up snot rags.  I feel (and probably look) like I aged about 15 years in the past 3 weeks… but at least i’m up now.

Of course there are times when I think I’m okay and then I get hit with an explosion of sadness that goes off like a nuclear bomb.  At least those blasts are getting further apart.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Writing and sharing has been useful and cathartic therapy during this unexpected hell, and the loving response has been among the things that inspire me to take a deep breath and keep moving onward.  I appreciate it more than i have the energy to express.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jenna Belle
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 18:31:31

    I know what you mean…it is hard to go a day without a meltdown. I hope you feel a little bit stronger with each passing day. Please keep writing, it has helped me so much these past few months.


  2. Emily @ablanket2keep
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 20:27:09

    I am so sorry about your loss. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Visiting from LFCA.


  3. Justine
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 22:52:06

    Here from LFCA, too. I’m glad you’re writing. And I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy. Sending you love and light, and keeping you in my thoughts.


  4. Marianne
    Jan 03, 2012 @ 08:40:49

    Here from LFCA to tell you how sorry I am.


  5. sharah
    Jan 03, 2012 @ 09:52:47

    LFCA. Thinking of you during this difficult time.


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