deep breath… shields up… back to work.

I went back to work yesterday.   My mother fussed at me about it, but the doc says it’s okay.  It has only been 3 weeks, but sitting around the house thinking too much and going broke certainly isn’t doing anything positive for my psyche at this back to work I go.  It was easier than I thought it would be.  Today, however, will be different.

Fate, you see, just keeps twisting that knife.  One of the women I work with was also pregnant.  She was due in December , I of course was not, but I ended up delivering less than a week after her.    In fact, the day she didn’t show up for work because she was a couple days from her due date,  I remember being particularly disappointed because I wanted to ask her something.  Since she was further along than me and  I saw her at least 4 days out of the week, she was my go-to girl when I had questions about being pregnant.  Of course I also did manic Googling, reading books,  and checking in with my nurse; but she was the real deal, right there at my workplace to share stories and assure me in person that “everything is fine”.    That day I remember wanting to ask her if it was normal to not feel movement for a day or two at my stage.   She will be there today and we will work together again for the first time since the two of us were Those Pregnant Chicks.   And since she is the boss’ daughter and it’s their family business, she brings her son with her to work when she comes in.

My boss asked me how I felt about that and if I wanted to only work when they weren’t around.  I promised I could handle it,  and that I didn’t want everybody else having to alter their lives because of my drama.  I even told her some crazy bullshit like it would be good for me to be around the healthy happy living energy that new babies bring.   Ha! What the hell was I saying?!   For the past couple days I’ve been coasting on a newfound stability,  sometimes making it all the way to bedtime without any tears at all.  My first day back at work yesterday was actually a nice distraction, mostly, and I was proud of myself for getting through it so easily.  Of course, there wasn’t a newborn baby boy in my face all day…

It’s a locally owned retail/gift shop– mother and baby will be in the back in the office, and I am out front busy with customers, so it’s not like I have to see them much at all… still, it’s just another ironic obstacle on my path.  Really, what are the odds of ANY of this crap,   let alone ALL of it?

So I’m sitting here about to get ready for work thinking about superficial shit like whether or not I should take extra eye make-up with me in case I cry it all off, or just not wear it at all.   I have been wanting to at least look good when I’m out in the world.  It minimizes the amount of pity that people pile on you when they see you for the first time.  Also there’s just the fact that I have been weeping and sleepless for 3 weeks, and without a good supply of war paint  it shows.  So I gave myself an extreme hair makeover and busted out some eyeshadow and lipstick which I rarely did before.  Little visual distractions for me and everybody else.   (That’s right, people, look up here at my weird hair color and not down at my weird belly!)  Yesterday I managed to hear “Wow, you look great!”  a couple times more than “Aww, are you okayyyyyyy?  How are you feeeeling?”  so that was nice.  Of course,  when I told the bosslady to put me back on the schedule,  I also asked her to spread the word for the rest of the staff not to ask questions, baby me, or treat me weird.  But today there will actually be a baby there.

You know,  when I got the job I thought it was great to be working at this woman-owned, family sensitive business with more than one pregnant girl on staff… I guess I still do… I gotta get my nosed rubbed in it one way or another right?  So it might as well be at work.

Waterproof mascara it is, then.



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jenna Belle
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 16:21:42

    As difficult as going to work can be, sometimes I welcome it as a distraction from infertility and loss. I hope work can help you too. Hugs!


  2. Patrice
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 17:48:05

    Damn – no words can make it better but girl I feel for you and someday it won’t be as hard as it is today – someday.


  3. mrs. brightside
    Jan 07, 2012 @ 23:28:24

    I don’t think you’re ever really *ready* to reenter the world after something like this, but sometimes forcing it moves you along the healing process. Or at least provides a few moments of distraction to help get through the day. But having a newborn in your face is going to hamper that whole distraction thing, geesh. Hope you survived and have found some ways to be kind to yourself.


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