april showers

Last night I had a dream about a baby seal.

I don’t know where it came from, but I had this baby seal and I loved him so much.  He wanted to be in water though,  so I put him in the sink to play.  He  splashed around and was very happy, but the sink was too small so I moved him to the bathtub.  He splashed and splashed even more happily in the bathtub.  He was so happy and healthy in there that he grew quickly while he played, and then the bathtub was too small.  I moved him into a hot tub (fortunately I seem to have a hot tub in dreamland).  The same thing happened:  he loved it in there, so he splashed and swam around and grew.   I figured out that this was going to keep happening and I would need to find something that would work permanently.   In the meantime I had to let someone put him in an animal carrier for some reason until I found a suitable body of water.

Across the road from our house (in real life and in my dream) there is a large pond.  In my dream the ducks that live over there had babies, the water was clear, and the whole area was lovely and sparkling with life.   I knew this would be the perfect place for my baby seal to live.
I was excited that everything was working out so perfectly.  This was a great dream.
Then I opened the carrier to let him out and he was dead.   Someone had wrapped him tightly in plastic wrap from head to flippers like a mummy, and he couldn’t breathe.   I frantically unwrapped his lifeless body and tried to revive him by splashing water on him and trying to make him swim and dance again.

I woke up screaming.


Last week was the baby’s due date.
Last week, our beloved cat  died suddenly.  He was put to sleep while I held him in my arms.
Oh, and the round IUI /injectables cycle we tried?   Failed.   Found that out last week , too.   And I have cysts now so we can’t try it again this month.

People ask me on a fairly regular basis lately if I’m “better yet”.
An obnoxious thing to ask a person who’s grieving by the way, but I understand people’s borderline impatient need to know you’re not suffering.
I recently went to the grocery store and ran into a girl I used to work with.   She was excited to see me and said the dreaded words “How ARE you?” with a big expectant smile.  I was in a funk that day so I conjured up a crooked smile and just shrugged.  She made a confused face at me and said  ”I’m sure you’re a lot better now, right?”   I cried on the spot.

Sometimes  I am “better”, I guess.   There are neutral spaces I can go to in my brain to do things like get through a day of work and laugh at things, and I think it’s pretty amazing that I even have those neutral spaces at all.   That counts as a newfound strength.  So some days I think  ”Sure, I am doing better!”

And then other times I dream about baby animals and wake up screaming.

April Fools.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mm
    Apr 15, 2012 @ 19:05:20

    I’m so sorry for everything you are going through, and I just wanted to send you a hug!


  2. mrs. brightside
    Apr 16, 2012 @ 19:25:59

    Who are these assholes who ask if you are “better yet”? How about a nice old “how are you?” and actually listening? I’m so sorry you feel this pressure to be cured, over it, magically healed. I think you are doing as well as anyone should expect in these circumstances, all you can ask of yourself is to get through the day, find a few moments of peace when you can. You’ve got every right to still be grieving all that you’ve lost. I’m so sorry for such a terrible week, and hope that this one shines a little brighter for you.


  3. lilyhy
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 21:40:35

    always those damn ups and downs, no one escapes them. I’m sorry you’ve have such a craptacular week. That’s putting it mildly.


  4. Sunny Side Up
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 02:21:21

    Gave you an award on my blog. Love your writing!
    I too have strange dreams about baby animals, people, objects. Doesn’t matter what it is, they are always baby versions. Maybe it’s all the artificial hormones?
    Take care xx


  5. Sarah
    Sep 10, 2012 @ 14:39:41

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Have always enjoyed your blog. Hope you are Ok. After 8 years of trying we did 4 natural cycles of IVF then a stimulated cycle, no success and no more tries. Its hard.

    Know you’re not alone and a lot of us, you’ve never met, care about you!


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