valentine

earthquakes change the landscape permanently.   they devastate, destroy,  and cause complete change.  things are never the same after an earthquake.  it wouldn’t make sense to wait for that part of the earth to go back to what it was before… to “get better”.   it’s different.  everything is different.  the way it fits in and relates to the rest of the world around it is different.  meanwhile the rest of the world carries on at it’s usual  pace, spinning and moving and growing as it should.   and that broken, shaken bit of the landscape can’t keep up for a while,  as it figures out what it has become.  maybe this giant crack in the ground will become a lovely river full of life one day, but for now it’s just…different.  violence from underground brings chaos to the surface, and causes the terrain to be lost in its own unfamiliar self.

there are theories that tell me that somewhere out there in the multiverse,  my personal earthquake never happened.  somewhere…somewhere out there,  i let myself believe,  my son was born alive and well.   it’s my way of believing in heaven,  i guess.  heaven by way of quantum physics:  somewhere beyond all the stars we will ever know,  he lives and dances and my heart is in tact.

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it’s been two months.  not very long at all.  it still hurts all the time, i just don’t show it all the time.   it makes people uncomfortable, of course, and i just don’t want it to always suck to be around me.   i can manage it sometimes.   it changes shape sometimes.  sometimes it sleeps for a while, but it’s right here with me like a pet dragon i’m trying to tame.

i got this little heart shaped box yesterday~

happy valentine’s day, my love.